


better still, be my winding wheel

by theweightofus



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Infidelity, M/M, i really don't know what to say about this, just read it okay, oh right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 12:41:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theweightofus/pseuds/theweightofus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“give me a valid reason not to go” louis suddenly says, looking at harry right in the eye.<br/>harry feels tired and just wants to fall asleep in a bed with louis’ arms wrapped around him right now, but he manages to think about it for a moment.<br/>“because i need you” he says in the end, hugging louis until the train leaves.</p><p>or the one where louis runs away and harry always stops him, until he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	better still, be my winding wheel

**Author's Note:**

> so alright okay i wrote this in like one hour and half? and i'm not really sure about this but i had this idea when i saw a picture and i kinda thought i had to write it immediately. so like yeah idk what to say, thanks to emma who's edited this even if it's late and she has school tomorrow.  
> title from winding wheel by ryan adams because yeah don't talk to me

it’s cold in liverpool, really cold, and harry doesn’t know how to find something to keep him warm. he decides to enter a coffee shop before going back home, because he would love some hot coffee right now, and daphne will love to eat a doughnut, even if she keeps saying that she’s too fat.

it’s a place he hasn’t been often, but he knows that the boy at the counter is called niall, and he laughs a lot.

the place isn’t too crowded, only three people queuing in front of him, so he stops and patiently waits behind a fifteen-years-old girl with red hair.

he doesn’t notice him, at first, because the man is at a table in a corner, partially hidden by two posh women that are talking animatedly about something. but then harry turns his head to look at the painting hanging on a wall, and he thinks about who the original painting was made by, and one of the women leans down to whisper something in her friend’s ear, and harry sees him.

he’s bent down on what looks like a moleskine, scribbling something with a short pencil that seems to have had better times, a cup of tea in front of him.

harry isn’t really sure that’s really louis, but then the man lifts up his head a bit and yes, that’s louis, that’s the same louis of ten years ago, the same louis with the universe in his eyes that harry thought he had forgotten.

*

the first time louis tries to escape, he’s twelve and harry is ten.

they’re riding their bicycles on a dirt road, one that louis loves and harry really hates, and the younger boy doesn’t know where they’re going, until louis stops when they’re near a railway.

“harry, that’s where our roads take different ways” he says, solemnly, staring at harry in the eye.

“what? why?” harry asks, widening his eyes.

louis pats his backpack. “i want to go away. to travel. this town sucks” he explains, while harry shakes his head.

“no, you can’t go. don’t leave” harry pleads, ready to get on his knees, if it’s necessary.

“harry, don’t be a baby. you’ll be okay” louis says, rolling his eyes, and harry knows that louis hates when harry shows that he’s just a child, but this is not about being a child, this is about harry not being able to survive without louis.

“please. don’t go. you’re only twelve. wait a few years” harry tries again, his eyes already filling with tears at the idea of losing his best friend.

louis seems to think about it for a moment, his eyes lost and then he sighs, deeply, focusing back on harry. “okay. i’ll wait some another year or two”.

harry beams at that, and hugs louis tight.

“hey, let me go, i can’t breathe” louis says, trying to push harry away, but harry doesn’t let go, never lets go.

*

louis has got a full beard on his face now, and harry thinks about the time when he was sad of not having one. his hair is longer, and there are bags under his eyes, but he’s still beautiful as ten years ago and harry doesn’t know what to do.

“excuse me, would you mind stepping ahead?” a voice suddenly says, and harry turns his head to see the source. it belongs to a middle-aged man that is observing him.

“oh, right, sorry” harry says, noticing that now there’s only one person before him in the queue.

the teenage girl asks for a coffee, and then it’s his turn. niall smiles at him and then asks him for his order and harry says “a medium coffee to take away, please”.

“in a minute. wait there” niall says, and harry looks at louis again.

*

the second time, louis is fifteen and harry is thirteen.

it’s summer and everybody’s searching for louis, but harry’s the only one who knows where the boy is.

he finds him a little before the train arrives, and he waits for a moment before calling “hey, lou”.

the brown-haired boy immediately turns his head to him, and when his eyes are on the friend, he smiles sadly. “you found me” he says and harry still hears a sense of relief, under all that bitterness.

“what are you doing here?” harry asks, sitting next to him on the green bench.

“i want to go away” louis says, staring at the railway.

there’s only one other person waiting for the train, and harry sees louis looking at that, while the figure—a man—checks his watch.

“mum heard your parents are splitting up” harry says, carefully, his eyes still on louis, who hasn’t looked at him yet.

his best friend doesn’t move an inch at that.

“i feel trapped” he says, sighing.

“but…” harry is hesitant “you’ll be able to go away in a few years, louis. you’ll finish school and that you’ll do everything you want”.

louis shakes his head. “it’s not that easy. you’re only thirteen, harry. you can’t understand”.

harry frowns. he may be only thirteen, but he’s not stupid.

“i’m not stupid” he says. “what do you want to do, out there? you’re only fifteen. no one would ever hire a fifteen years old”.

louis swallows, and finally looks at harry. “promise me you’ll let me go, when it’s the right time”.

harry nods. “i promise”.

*

harry doesn’t have to decide what to do, because then louis looks in his direction, and their eyes meet.

there’s a moment, less than a second but more than a century, in which harry sees every moment of his past passing in front of his eyes. louis doesn’t move, seems to be paralyzed and harry is, too. he can’t move.

but then niall is saying “this is for you, mate” and telling him the money he should give, and harry to come back to reality and to what normal people would.

“thanks, mate” niall says, smiling, and harry can’t manage himself to smile back, not now.

he takes a step ahead to let the middle-aged man give his order and then louis’ eyes are back on him.

his steps are hesitant, slow, and he would easily stop, if louis wanted to.

but then he finds himself beside louis’ table and the man is looking at him with that blue, blue eyes that contain the universe and something in harry’s stomach moves.

*

the third time louis tries to leave harry, they’re respectively eighteen and sixteen.

there have been other sentences before, the same one, pronounced a thousand time in the most weird places, and harry should have intercepted the sighs, should have known that this was going to come.

still, he’s running like he had never before for that dirt road that louis loved so much when he was younger.

it’s summer again and the sun is too hot and harry is sweating under his shirt, and his eyes are filled with worry even while he runs, the sand in the hair and a voice in his head telling him to get quicker.

when he arrives at the station the train is stopping on the railway, and harry immediately spots louis, a bag in his hand and a firm expression on his face.

“louis!” he shouts on the top of his lungs, even if he knows that louis will hear him anyway.

louis immediately looks at harry, and harry looks at those blue eyes that belong to the person he’s been in love with for two years, now.

he walks quickly till he’s close to louis. he puts a hand on his and louis shakes his head.

“don’t do it, harry” louis says, immediately stepping back. “don’t stop me”.

harry gulps. “louis…” he says.

“it’s the right time now” he says “i have to go”.

the problem is that, harry’s a selfish person who’s in love with his best friend, the same one who’s now trying to leave this town to have an adventure.

“give me a valid reason not to go” louis suddenly says, looking at harry right in the eye.

harry feels tired and just wants to fall asleep in a bed with louis’ arms wrapped around him right now, but he manages to think about it for a moment.

“because i need you” he says in the end, hugging louis until the train leaves.

*

“harry edward styles” louis says, eyeing him.

“louis” is the only thing harry can reply, his eyes still on louis, always on louis.

“it’s been a long time” he says. “why don’t you take a seat?”

and harry knows he should go home, that daphne is waiting for him and she will ask him where he was when he is back, but right now everything’s louis. so, he sits down.

“you’re different” louis says, and then it’s like he remembers something and he shakes his head. “right, fuck, it’s been like, how much? ten years?”

harry nods. “ten years, yeah”.

“so you’re twenty-eight now, right?”.

he nods again. “and you’re thirty”.

“thirty-one in two months, actually” he says “time passes quickly, doesn’t it?”  
harry doesn’t say anything, his eyes never leaving louis.

“harry” he says after a little bit. “it’s so strange to see you again, but also… nice. you were my best friend”.

harry tries not to think too much about the “were”, tries not to say that louis was a lot more to him.

“so, what are you doing now? did you find a nice girl to settle down with?” louis asks, sipping his tea.

he should tell louis about daphne and about the kids she wants to have, and the way she’s so good to him and her mom likes her, even if gemma’s not completely convinced. instead, he asks “why did you go without telling me anything?”

there’s a lot of anger in his tone, and they both notice it. louis looks a little taken back at first, but then his gaze becomes sorry and sad and harry wants to kiss him and harry feels like that autumn when he realized he loved louis and harry doesn’t understand what’s wrong with him.

“i’m so sorry” louis says, shaking his head at himself. “i was young and dumb, and you were so more mature than me, harry. you should have punched me in the face”.

“how could have i? you were gone before i knew it” harry interjects.

louis gulps. “right. and i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry. you didn’t deserve that, harry. it’s just… i was so sad and i felt like no one could understand me, and i didn’t even want to go to university because i felt worthless, and you were so good to me, harry, so good, but… it wasn’t enough, you know?” he explains. “i wanted adventures and going to unknown places and visit asia and australia, and… i certainly couldn’t do it in holmes chapel, could i?”

harry shakes his head. “you could have told me. i would have understood”.

louis smiles sadly. “you are too good with me, harry. you’ve always been too good”.

*

when louis leaves for real, he is twenty and harry is eighteen.

it is spring this time, and harry is going to uni at september while louis is still in holmes chapel, working at a mechanic.

harry still remembers it clearly, the day he goes to louis’ house at seven a.m. and jay tells him that her son isn’t there, that louis is still at work.

in the back of his mind, harry has known that for a lot time. and he knows it is already too late but, despite that, he runs.

he runs because he still hasn’t got his driving license, and because this can’t be real, this must be a dream.

he runs to the mechanic and checks if louis is there and louis isn’t there, of course he isn’t, so harry starts to run again.

it’s too late when he arrives at the station and it’s empty, and there is no louis, no train, no blue universe or loud laughs or sad eyes.

“when did the last train leave?” he asks at a man working there.

“five minutes ago. you just missed it”.

yeah, harry thinks bitterly, i just missed him.

*

louis owns a flat near the coffee shop and a good wine from france. they drink a lot and remember the old times, their old adventures. louis tells harry about his adventures, about the aborigines in australia and the temples in china and harry’s always loved the way louis tells stories and he laughs, he laughs so hard that he forgets about the woman waiting at home and the incessant buzz on his phone.

they go to bed a little drunk. louis’ lips are chapped and tastes of wine and harry’s are probably the same but right now everything is _louislouislouis_ and in bed everything’s _louislouislouis_ while louis is inside him and thrusting and making harry feel good, the curly-haired man can’t do anything but whisper “i love you” in the dark.

*

days feel like hours and hours feel like day, depending on who harry is with.

he doesn’t want to do this to daphne, he really doesn’t, but he can’t just tell her that he’s been cheating on her for almost a month now. 

“what’s her name?” louis asks one day, his eyes fixated on harry’s green ones.

“whose?” harry asks, but knows exactly who louis is talking about.

“her, harry. c’mon. you know who, don’t act like that” the man replies.

harry sighs. “daphne” he says.

“she doesn’t know anything, does she?”

he shakes his head.

louis gets closer. harry closes his eyes.

“do you love her?” louis asks, kissing harry’s neck.

“i…” harry can’t say that, he can’t, because it’s too complicated.

“if you do, tell me and i’ll go away, and i will never interject in your life, and you’ll be able to marry her and raise kids with her and everything you’ve always wanted” louis says “but if you don’t really love her, harry, if you love me instead, tell me. and i will marry you and i will raise kids with you, if you want, and i’ll hold you tight during storms and…” louis stops talking.

harry opens his eyes. “and what?”

“and i will tell you i love you every time i can. i will kill spiders for you, even if you aren’t afraid of them. i’ll watch you cooking breakfast every morning and i’ll drive with you to visit anne and gemma and robin and even my mom and my sisters, because i miss them, and i’ll move with you to a nice house and i will never leave you anymore”.

harry kisses him, deeply and salty because of the tears that are running down their cheeks and he wraps his arms around louis and doesn’t let go, never lets go.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> as usual, you can find me at lou-eee.tumblr.com or no-way-to-reach-me.tumblr.com :)))


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